1992 MTV Video Music Awards

Original air date: 9/9/92

Hosted by Dana Carvey

Did Anyone Ever Think Lars Ulrich Was Cool?

Host Dana Carvey opens the show as George Bush. He says his doctors told him he has “the body of a 37-year-old man” and then does some sad one-armed push-ups to prove it.

Dana Carvey as Bush 41.

“Take that, Governor Clinton.” Then he sings “We Will Rock You.” He tries to engage the crowd in a singalong, but they’re pretty unenthusiastic. I miss when everybody was an apathetic slacker. Now it’s like, just me. He finally introduces “those fuzzy Georgia peaches,” the Black Crowes. Chris Robinson, sporting a white furry coat, yells that “a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down” as they start to play “Remedy.” I forgot how skinny he was. His pants have pot leaves on them.

Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes wears a classic look.

Toward the end of the song, he removes his coat to reveal a vinyl shirt. I bet he’s hot. That song seemed really long.

Animated graphics start up as an announcer welcomes us and lists artists who’ll be performing: Bryan Adams (dear god), the Black Crowes (obviously), Bobby Brown (right, Ted?), Eric Clapton, Def Leppard, En Vogue, Guns N’ Roses (yay!), Michael Jackson (yay!), Elton John (yay!), Nirvana (yay!), Pearl Jam, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and U2 (ugh). The cartoon continues and I think a dog just got sucked into a jet engine. The announcer lists who’s also scheduled to appear: Halle Berry, Boyz II Men, John Corbett (?), Cindy Crawford, Shannen Doherty, Peter Gabriel, Phil Hartman, Ice T, Mick Jagger, Magic Johnson, Kris Kross, Denis Leary, Annie Lennox, Marky Mark 😆, Metallica, Eddie Murphy, Luke Perry, Howard Stern, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Vanessa Williams, Wilson Phillps, and our host Dana Carvey. 

Dana Carvey comes out strumming a guitar and sings a couple of lines I don’t recognize. “Welcome to the world’s largest award show,” he says. Is that true? He goes into his Hans & Franz character and disses some other award shows. Next he does a bit about the faces guitarists make. He mentions the various genres of music represented and asks, as Garth, if we can all get along. As it turns out, we cannot. Backstage later, Courtney Love will pick a fight with Axl Rose and shit will go sideways.

Anyway, Dana Carvey says he hit on En Vogue and they told him he’s “never gonna get it.” He says the show tonight is “very sexual” and is being seen in 139 countries. He does a bizarre impression of a Swedish person becoming aroused by the show. Then he does one of a Japanese person. He finally gets to the first presenter, Eddie Murphy.

Eddie Murphy presents the award for Best Male Video.

Eddie Murphy appears to be in his PJs. He’s chomping on gum like Burt Reynolds and says “hello UCLA” for some reason. He says something about a bad joke on the teleprompter and then announces the nominees for Best Male Video: Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven,” “Get a Leg Up” by John Mellencamp, “Into the Great Wide Open” by Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen’s “Human Touch,” and “Smells Like Nirvana” by Weird Al. My vote is for Tom Petty, but the winner is Eric Clapton, even though his video is just a performance clip from Unplugged. Clapton says something about the song being in a movie and that he wrote it to heal himself and it’s nice that other people like it.

Dana Carvey and Phil Hartman portray Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon. Do people even know who they are anymore?

Now it’s time for a vignette. Dana Carvey’s Johnny Carson is on a Malibu beach with Phil Hartman’s Ed McMahon. “Johnny” pulls out a bigass cell phone and explains how we can vote for the Viewer’s Choice Award, sponsored by Pepsi. The choices are “Let’s Get Rocked” by Def Leppard, “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” “Under the Bridge” by the Chili Peppers, and Van Halen’s “Right Now.” So this is sponsored by Pepsi and that Van Halen song was used in a Pepsi commercial. Sketchy. Also, this call is not free. It’s a 900 number and it’s 95 cents/minute. They do a bit about Doc Severinson in a thong and then an announcer says this show is brought to us by Taco Bell, “the official munching post of the MTV generation.” Munching post? MTV generation? Other sponsors are Pepsi and Levi’s 501 jeans.

Retro commercial break – terrible song, terrible beverage

After the break, Dana Carvey introduces John Corbett from Northern Exposure and Shannen Doherty from Beverly Hills 90210.

John Corbett and Shannen Doherty reward Van Halen for producing the most annoying video and commercial of the year.

He’s like a foot taller than she is. John Corbett rambles about directors and makes an “Orson Welles was fat” joke. The audience seems to like it, but that may be because he’s showing his chest. Shannen quotes Mr Spacely to tell him to shut up. The nominees for Best Director: Matthew Rolstin for En Vogue’s “(My Lovin’) You’re Never Gonna Get It,” Stephane Sednaoui for “Give It Away” by the Chili Peppers (an audience fave, apparently), Adam Berstein for Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back,” and Mark Fenske for that crappy “Right Now” video that was pretty much already a commercial before Pepsi got ahold of it. My vote is for “Baby Got Back.” There were like, giant asses in it. OMG, the Van Halen video won. That video sucks and I remember thinking it sucked in 1992. I also remember that my friend Ryan thought the line “you miss a beat, you lose the rhythm” was “you masturbate, you lose the rhythm.” Anyway, the band and the director eventually make their way to the stage. Sammy Hagar is wearing a checkered suit that might be cool on someone else. He calls the director forward and says “this was his idea.” Way to shirk the blame, dude. The director thanks some people and “Sammy for not beating [him] up.” Um, Sammy Hagar can beat you up?

Bobby Brown, before he finished completely ruining Whitney Houston's life.

As the Church Lady, Dana Carvey says “this next young man wants to sing a song about humpin’ around.” She introduces “Satan,” then corrects it to “Bobby Brown.” Some kind of big round thing that says “BOBBY” opens up and Bobby Brown emerges and asks if we’re ready to party. He removes his jacket and he’s wearing leather overalls. He launches into “Humpin’ Around” with much thrusting of his pelvis. This song is just as dumb as I remember it being. The audience is full of white people and many of them are sort of pogoing.

The song ends and we go to a shot of VJ Duff in the audience with Anthony Kiedis and Flea of the Chili Peppers. Anthony thinks Bobby Brown “just got banned for life from MTV” because he said “fuck” as he left the stage. Duff doesn’t think so and lists some people who are still to come.

Duff does not smake Anthony Keidis for his sexual advances. It was a different world in the 90s.

Anthony leans over and kisses her neck and I’m pretty sure he’d be set on fire if he did that now. Duff just laughs and doesn’t smack him like I would. There are people at this event who would be allowed to put their mouths on me, but he’s not one of them.

Enjoy a retro commercial break featuring CDs

After the break, Dana Carvey is in his full-on Garth outfit, complete with wig. He says Chris Robinson “has no hamstrings” and “needs some Thighmaster action.” He talks about the hot babes backstage and says he’s gonna “commit horny kari.” He picks up a giant cardboard Wayne head and talks to and for it.

Garth: “My, what a big head you have, Wayne.”

Garth, as Wayne: “That’s what she said.”

He “schwings” at Cindy Crawford in the audience. He mentions En Vogue (obsessed much?) and says he wants to be “in vogue.” Gross. Then he yells “go UCLA” for some reason and the audience cheers. Okay, I had to look it up. This was filmed at UCLA’s Pauley Pavilion. He asks what a bruin is, then says he likes the Trojans. This gets him booed. Is he hosting this or doing standup? Get on with it. Now he says we’re going live to the Pontiac Silverdome for U2.

Bono became very annoying after awhile.

They’ve joined the performance at the end of a song. Dumbasses. Garth keeps yelling for Bono. Bono mutters something about “Zoo TV in Detroit.” That Zoo TV thing was stupid, but I bet Bono thought it was clever. He has a giant remote and starts changing the channels on the huge screens behind him. There’s Saddam Hussein, I think. Eventually he finds Garth, who jumps up and down. They banter and Garth says he’s gonna hurl.

Bono: “Don’t do that. We don’t want you blowin’ chunks on Kurt Loder, do we?”

I kinda want that. Also, “blowing chunks” sounds somewhat less gross with an Irish accent. Garth asks if Bono eats Lucky Charms. Bono says he eats the blue stars, but not the green clovers. He invites Garth to play drums on the next song and Garth says he’s not worthy. They’re playing “Even Better Than the Real Thing” and the actual drummer is playing, as well as Garth. The Edge is wearing a sleeveless fuschia shirt. The song ends and Bono and Garth say goodbye. Garth announces the upcoming artists and then drum solos us into a vignette.

Andrew Dice Clay, another annoying character from the 90s.

David Spade is doing his receptionist character (Jesus Christ, was everything from SNL then?) when Andrew Dice Clay walks up. “The Diceman” looks really stupid. David Spade finds his name on the “banned for life” list and tells him to go sit down, but Andy will not be deterred. He threatens David Spade, who doesn’t seem to care and still won’t let him in.

Remember Liquid Television? – retro commercial break

Dana Carvey is back to being himself and, after a bit about Sir Mix-A-Lot writing “Baby Got Back,” introduces Ice T with Kirk Hammett and Lars Ulrich from Metallica. Kirk is adorable and Lars is a chode. Lars sarcastically reads the joke on the teleprompter and continues reading about the “conservative aspects of the mass media.” He’s yammering about how rap and metal tend to be shit on. He says something about “family values” and blah blah blah. Get over yourself, Lars. Go sue somebody. Kirk interjects to say that perhaps Ice T’s new metal band will improve metal’s image. Ice T says rap is an art form that’s “here to stay” and Lars and Kirk shake hands and say “word.” OMG, that was lame.

The nominees for Best Rap Video: Arrested Development’s “Tennessee,” “The Choice Is Yours” by Black Sheep, “Jump” by Kris Kross, “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (the Funky Bunch!) and “Baby Got Back.” How could it not be Sir Mix-A-Lot? Lars opens the envelope and announces Barbra Streisand for Prince of Tides. Did anyone ever think Lars was cool? The actual winner is Arrested Development. There’s like 100 of them so it takes forever for them to get to the stage. One of them says that them getting this award means that “to be successful nowadays, you don’t have to be frivolous.” Is she implying that all music prior to Arrested Development was frivolous? I don’t like her. A couple of other band members thank people and someone yells “Jersey!” as they leave the stage.

Dana Carvey returns and says something about the next song having good lessons or something, then says some crap about partying and not listening to your parents. Haha, it’s “Let’s Get Rocked” by Def Leppard. Hadn’t this album been out for like, two or three years at this point? I have no memory of Def Leppard doing anything after “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Joe Elliott looks stupid.

I think we can all agree that Joe Elliot looks ridiculous.

Um, I think this song is basically an updated “Yakety Yak.” I feel like these guys are too old to be angry about taking out the trash. Or to be living with their parents. “Let’s get the rock outta here.” Jesus. “It won’t take a minute,” he says. “It won’t take long.” What, sex with you? I think he said he’s tired of dancing with a broom.

It finally ends and we’re treated to one of those black-and-white Denis Leary rants they used to show all the time. He talks about the rain in Seattle, the filthiness of the Chili Peppers, and how he misses the Bay City Rollers. Blah blah and then it’s black-and-white ranting Cindy Crawford. It’s a House of Style promo. She mentions Todd Oldham and kd lang.

If you enjoyed this retro commercial break, say “thank you, Thighmaster.”

Dana Carvey introduces Halle Berry and Jean-Claude Van Damme to present Best Video from a Movie. Halle says she’s been taking karate lessons and plans to “try a few moves out” on Jean-Claude.

Jean-Claude: “Baby, you can make a move on me anytime.”

Halle says she’s engaged and Jean-Claude awkwardly segues into the nominees: “Tears in Heaven,” “Try a Little Tenderness” by the Commitments,” Hammer’s “Addams Groove,” and “Bohemian Rhapsody,” which gets the loudest audience reaction. Queen wins and Brian May’s shirt, man.

Brian May might have been trippin when he put together his outfit.

Wait, no. That’s a jacket and a shirt. He owns two things that look like that. He says “Freddie would be very pleased.”  He also says he thinks the song’s use in Wayne’s World was “a worthy tribute.” He thanks some people and then Roger Taylor says thanks and that they enjoyed the movie.

Krist Novoselic gives himself blunt head trauma and chaos ensues.

“And now for all your lawn care needs,” says Dana Carvey, “Nirvana.” Kurt Cobain sings the first line and a half of “Rape Me” because MTV told them not to play it, then they do “Lithium.” This is the performance with Krist Novoselic’s infamous bass toss. He drops it on his head and falls to the ground. 

As he staggers offstage, Kurt plays some feedback and climbs on some amps. Dave Grohl runs to the front of the stage where, sounding oddly like Weird Al, he says, “Hi, Axl! Hi, Axl! Where’s Axl?” Kurt has thrown himself onto the drums and he climbs out and follows Dave offstage as “Johnny Carson” and “Ed McMahon” appear on the video screen.

They say they’re enjoying themselves and then Johnny talks about Nirvana and misquotes “Teen Spirit”: “An albino, a mulatto, in Toledo, with Danny DeVito.” They babble some more and then plug the Viewer’s Choice Award again. (If anyone reading this actually called and voted, I’d like to hear from you.) Ed lists some people still to come, including Michael Jackson.

Johnny: “He’s the King of Pop, and there ain’t none higher.”

Ed: “Sucker MCs call him sire.”

Johnny: “Did you just make that up?”

This time the announcer says the show is brought to us by Nike, “the people who encourage you to ‘just do it’” and by Sony.

MTV brags about how many videos they show in this retro commercial break.

Regular Dana Carvey is back and he says “the Nirvana ride is officially closed.” He laughs about Krist Novoselic’s potential head injury and wonders if he even felt it. Is he implying that Krist is stupid or on drugs? Because both are untrue. I mean, yeah, the bass toss (or “bass drop,” if you will) was pretty dumb, but not indicative of Krist’s overall intelligence. Dana Carvey makes the teleprompter operator roll past some jokes and introduces Marky Mark and Vanessa Williams, for some reason saying they’re “celebrating their 13th wedding anniversary.” Marky Mark is wearing a Michigan Wolverines sweatshirt and has brought a backpack.

It looks like Vanessa Williams is going to take Marky Mark to school.

He places his backpack on the podium and tries to list the nominees, but Vanessa stops him to point out that they haven’t even said what the award is. Marky Mark explains that it’s for innovation, blah blah, and a “phat, phat, and unique vision.” Vanessa is laughing at him. The Breakthrough Video nominees include the directors as well as the artists: Tori Amos and Cindy Palmano for “Silent All These Years,” David Byrne for “She’s Mad” (guess he directed it himself), the Chili Peppers and Stehpane Sednaoui for “Give It Away,” and that damn Van Halen video again. That. Video. Sucks. “Give It Away” wins this one, even though the video is just the band frolicking in the desert. Anthony Kiedis leaps to the stage. The rest of the band does not follow. Oh, wait. Here they are. Flea leaps onto the podium and gyrates.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers were annoying them and they are annoying now.

Flea gets down and Anthony talks about how great the director is. Stephane, who’s dressed like a cross between Where’s Waldo and Chucky, tickles Anthony throughout his speech. He says some crap about how you can’t truly award art, blah blah. Flea approaches the mic and makes gorilla sounds before saying that “this whole thing is a miniscule grain of salt.” He says hi to his daughter and now it’s Stephane’s turn. His accent is almost a parody. He says “thank you very moosh.”

Dana Carvey returns and seems to be apologizing for the miming of a blow job by one of the band members. I completely missed it. I completely missed Janet Jackson’s nipple at that halftime show, too. Anyway, it’s time for Sir Elton John, who may not have been a “sir” then. I hope somebody wiped Kurt Cobain’s spit off the keys. Kurt, you see, thought he was spitting on Axl’s piano. And that’s why we don’t spit. Elton is performing “The One.”

A VJ who might be Dan Cortese is in the audience with En Vogue. He blabbers about Rock the Vote and asks if he’s “ever gonna get it.” They sing that he is not. Holy shit, how many times are they gonna make that joke?

Outside, Pinhead is trying to get into the show and is being rebuffed by David Spade. I miss when MTV was like this. Like, a lot of it is stupid, but that’s so much better than now, with everybody taking everything so seriously. Anyway, Pinhead threatens to tear David Spade’s soul apart, but it doesn’t work.

Enjoy a retro movie ad – Singles

Dana Carvey is doing Ross Perot now. He rambles about passing rock bands through his lower intestine before introducing Pearl Jam. Speaking of taking things too seriously… I mean, I like the early Pearl Jam stuff, but Eddie Vedder has always needed to get over himself. Especially since they’re playing “Jeremy,” which I believe was their biggest hit. Kurt refused to play “Teen Spirit.” So basically Eddie can blow his artistic integrity or whatever out his ass. He’s twitching like Joe Cocker.

Eddie Vedder. I now realize I currently own the twin to the jacket he is wearing.

Aw, there’s sweet Dave Abbruzzese. I think part of Eddie’s hair is stuck under his jacket collar. How can he not move it? It would drive me insane. The song is nearly over and I’ve just seen Stone Gossard for the first time. Like the director hates him or something. Oh, now he’s skipping around in a circle. Maybe that’s why. Eddie tacks on “I don’t need no mom and dad” at the end.

Dana Carvey comes back to introduce the Chili Peppers. He tries to say “put your socks on your penises,” but actually says “in.” Anthony has changed into a checkered suit and Flea is now in tighty-whities. As they start “Give It Away,” a bunch of random people run out from the wing and start dancing.

Chili Peppers. Still anoying.

These don’t appear to be professional dancers. They’re not even really dancing, just sort of jumping around. Ice T is randomly standing at the side of the stage. He looks really serious, like he’s the band’s security. I think Dave Abbruzzese has joined Chad Smith (who looks like Will Ferrell) on drums. Some guy just allowed Flea to climb on his shoulders, pressing his presumably sweaty crotch onto his neck. The stage is crammed full of people. I wonder if the Chili Peppers brought them or if they were provided by MTV.

Dana Carvey is up in a balcony doing a commentary as if he’s watching a parade or something. I think he called MJ “Miss Congeniality.” The awards are brought to us by Guess, “the fragrance of raw sensuality,” as well as Heath, TDK, and Toyota.

Enjoy a retro commercial break with Claudia Schiffer

This time Dana Carvey is doing Casey Kasem. He’s introducing Michael Jackson by listing all the MTV awards he’s won, including the Video Vanguard Award, “which was renamed for him in 1990.” The fact that he didn’t get one before 1988 is ridiculous. I mean, you can’t tell me that Madonna had released better videos by 1986 than MJ. “Thriller” had been out for ages by then. He pretty much made their stupid channel. Anyway, MJ will be performing from Europe and Dana Carvey calls him “possibly the greatest human being who ever lived.” I can get behind that.

Michael Jackson performing from Europe.

Michael is performing “Black or White.” It’s awesome, of course. I love Michael.

Dana Carvey returns and apparently the teleprompter is blank because he asks them to put words there instead of his own head. Problem solved, he introduces Roger Taylor and Brian May, who are presenting the MICHAEL JACKSON Video Vanguard Award. Stupid people want to take his name off of it.

Anyway, Brain May says presenting this award “gives [him] more pleasure than [he] can tell you.” He says the band has single-handedly brought the passion and anger back into rock. Roger Taylor takes over to call them “the most exciting band in the world.” He talks about the videos that are basically short films. First we’re gonna watch video clips. Here’s “Welcome to the Jungle” and an interview with Axl.

Axl Rose, just being a badass.

An interview clip with Slash and “Paradise City.” Back to Axl, talking about learning to work together again after success. Clearly that was short-lived. But they’re back together now and all is right with the world. Well, not really, but GN’R makes me really happy. We see “You Could Be Mine” and “Don’t Cry,” followed by Axl admitting the helicopter was “extremely self-indulgent.” Brian May introduces the band individually. Axl is wearing a Michael Jackson jacket, Slash’s shirt is open, and Duff is sparkly.

The band quickly thanks everyone and leaves the stage.

Axl thanks a bunch of people and says he probably forgot someone. Slash mumbles something and everyone heads offstage. Duff stops to lean over and chirp “thanks a lot!” into the mic.

Now Denis Leary is ranting again. He’ll be presenting the Viewer’s Choice Award with Cindy Crawford and for some reason he doesn’t want Nirvana to win. He threatens to come to my house and make me listen to “Teen Spirit” over and over again. I’d like to see him try. My giant dog and I don’t care for visitors. I didn’t have a giant dog in ‘92, but Denis Leary would never have gotten past my mom. He’d still be sitting there eating dumplin’ or something. (Yes, dumplin’. Singular.) He says he hates Seattle.

Now there’s a Choose or Lose ad with Michael. I’d be willing to bet Michael did not vote that year. Or possibly any year.

Spike Lee for Nike – retro commercial break

Dana Carvey is back as himself. He says the next artist is from Britain and does a cartoony accent as he suggests the guy had no choice but to go into rock music because of his goofy accent. Now he says the guy is from Canada and tells the teleprompter person to hurry up.

It’s Bryan Adams. I don’t know this song, but Wikipedia tells me it’s called “Do I Have to Say the Words?” Was it from that stupid Robin Hood movie? Nope, but it might as well have been because it sounds like that other song from that movie. Really, his only good song is “Summer of ‘69.” His guitarist appears to be wearing a high school letter jacket. This is boring. You don’t have to say anything to me, Bryan Adams. In fact, if you could shut up, that’d be great. Oh, man, I thought it was over, but there’s a whole “na na” section. Heeey Jude. Hurry up, with your Eric Stoltz-lookin’ ass.

It finally ends and Dana Carvey claims that he “got hot.” Um. Is he trying to say that was like, sexy? Because I used the time to figure out what time I need to start dinner so my kid can eat before band practice.

Anyway, Dana Carvey says the next presenter “spent the summer killing vampires.” It’s Luke Perry and god help me, I remember what comes next.

Luke says he’s gonna introduce his co-presenter “because no one else had the balls to show up and do it.” It’s Howard Stern as Fartman. He descends from the ceiling as we all look on in horror.

Just when you thought Stern couldn't get any worse, tiy get Fartman and looking at his bare ass.

Accompanied by fart sounds, he finally lands. Then he turns to show the audience that the ass is cut out of his outfit. He has a sad, sad ass. He claims that his ass has powers and then farts in Luke Perry’s general direction. A cloud of smoke appears and the front panel falls off of the podium.

Luke Perry grabs Fartman's naked ass. Seriously. Poor Luke Perry.

Fartman commands Luke to touch his ass “for power.” And he does. God love him, he touches the ass.

Fartman then asks the audience who would like to touch his ass, and judging by the cheers I’m actually the only one who’s appalled by this. A girl comes up and touches his ass, and from the way she looks, I think she’s a plant. Not like, a fern or something. Like, hired to touch his ass. Luke tries to get on with the award, but Fartman won’t shut up and kisses him on the cheek. The face cheek.

The nominees for Best Metal/Hard Rock Video: “Let’s Get Rocked” (still no memory of this from that time period), Metallica’s “Enter Sandman,” “Everything About You” by Ugly Kid Joe (‘92 was a weird year), and that fucking Van Halen video. Fartman shakes his ass around and announces Metallica as the winner. Good. That was the best one.

Kirk and Lars make their way back to the stage. Why do they have the artists seated so far away? So they can cram college kids down front and make it look like this is a cool concert and not an awards show? It just wastes time. Lars pretends to drop the moon man statue. Lame. Also, button your shirt, Lars. You’re not Slash. He yells at the audience to shut up and tells Fartman and Luke to stop hogging the attention. Lars sucks.

He’s blathering about how they didn’t “feel comfortable” with the medium of video at first (probably because most of y’all ain’t much to look at), but Fartman is still goofing around and Kirk is distracted. Lars says it’s “ironic” that they won an MTV award (well, Jethro Tull wasn’t nominated) and he won’t stop talking. Go play tennis or something. He finally lets Kirk talk. Kirk starts thanking people and Lars comes back from grabbing Fartman’s codpiece to talk over him. Go buy some art, assmunch. Everyone eventually leaves the stage, with Fartman hoisted back into the rafters.

After that torment, we’re back on the beach with Johnny and Ed. They discuss Fartman and Ed refuses to pull Johnny’s finger. Then they tell us about the Viewer’s Choice Award voting again. They say GN’R will be performing and then Ed farts and they talk about that.

Retro commercial break – Sega Genesis

Dana Carvey says he’s “still trying to recover from Howard Stern’s ass.” I think we all are, Dana. Now it’s time for En Vogue to perform “Free Your Mind.” Shirtless men dance around them. Aaannd the men are crawling.

Half naked men dance around En Vogue as the encourage us to be more open-minded.

Now it’s time for the winner of the international Viewer’s Choice Awards. Why? I don’t even care what the American viewers chose. The MTV Asia winner, from Thailand: “Jring Mai Glua” by Christina. The MTV Australia guy is “bobbing around in Sydney Harbour” as he tells us their winner is “Man Alive” by Diesel. This guy looks and sounds a lot like Bono. MTV Brazil: “Ao Meu Rador” by Nenhum de Nos. I’ve heard of the MTV Europe winner: The Cure’s “Friday I’m in Love.” Now Daisy Fuentes is announcing the MTV Internacional winner. That’s vague. The winner is “Meuvelo” by El General. He’s from Panama.

I guess Denis Leary was considered edgy and hip. I just thought he was a big mouth who should try not talking for 30 seconds every once and while. He still sucks.

Dana Carvey brings out Denis Leary and Cindy Crawford. Cindy’s hair is done up like a 70s country singer.

She comments that Howard Stern’s ass is hairy and Denis says he shaves his first thing every morning. He’s chomping away on some gum. He asks if the award is Best Use of a Janitor in a Video, chomp chomp. Cindy says it’s actually the Viewer’s Choice Award and “the phone lines have been open since August.” You already know the nominees. Denis announces Peter Frampton, but Cindy says the Chili Peppers won. Really? The only one that still holds up is “Teen Spirit” and I could’ve told them that in ‘92.

Anthony has changed back into his regular clothes and Flea has put on pants. Flea introduces their new guitarist and says the old one didn’t care about awards anyway. Um, okay. Then he makes some weird noises and walks away from the podium. Anthony thanks Satan, Louis Armstrong, Neil Young, the Rollins Band, Bob Marley, the Marx Brothers, Salvador Dali, a name I didn’t catch that might be Luis Buñuel, Miles Davis, P-Funk, and either U2 or “you, too.” Chad Smith tries to say something, but is distracted by Anthony, who has picked up Flea and is spinning around with him.

The sucky Chili Peppers still sucking. Look how weird and crazy they are! Such zany rock stars.

Outside at David Spade’s talent check-in table, Ringo Starr (my favorite Beatle) has arrived, wearing a sparkly turban. David calls him Bingo. He finally removes the turban and says he was in the Beatles, but David isn’t familiar with that. Someone in a bear suit, which I assume is the UCLA mascot, walks in and Ringo’s all “what the hell?”

Rock the Vote with Aerosmith – retro commercial break

Dana Carvey introduces Kris Kross and Magic Johnson. Kris or Kross asks what’s up a few times and then thanks Magic for something, but I can’t really hear over the cheers. Magic leans way over to the mic and says they’re presenting Best Female Video. The nominees: “Silent All These Years,” “Why” by Annie Lennox, Madonna’s “Holiday” from Truth or Dare, and “Save the Best for Last” by Vanessa Williams.

Annie Lennox looks like a cool yet stern librarian who will fuck you up for talking loudly in her library.

Annie Lennox is the winner, even though I like two of the other songs better. Annie looks like a sexy Miss Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies.

She says she didn’t expect to win, then thanks the video’s director and cameraman, because “as you can see, I need lights and makeup.”

Now Eric Clapton is gonna put us to sleep with “Tears in Heaven.”

Enjoy a retro Pepsi commercial with Cindy Crawford

Boy, they really pack the ads in toward the end, don’t they? Dana Carvey says that he will be presenting an award now, and also that this is “the longest awards show in history.” The nominees for Best Alternative Video: “Teen Spirit,” Pearl Jam’s “Alive,” “Give It Away,” and “Divine Thing” by the Soup Dragons, a cute song that has no chance to win. Nirvana wins and for some reason, two cops (or people dressed like cops) come out with a Michael Jackson impersonator. He doesn’t look like MJ.

Could MTV not afford a better MJ impersonator? This is terrible.

He doesn’t really sound like him, either, as he says he’s retiring as the King of Pop to become the “King of Grunge Rock.” Blah blah and the audience seems confused.

Dana Carvey says the next presenters “are sealed in soundproof rooms” and have nothing in common. He says what they’ve written for them is “awkward and unfunny.” Much like the rest of the show, then. It’s Boyz II Men and Wilson Phillps. They’re all here to present the award for Best New Artist. I always thought Wendy Wilson was cute.

The nominees: “Silent All These Years,” “Tennessee,” Cracker’s “Teen Angst (What the World Needs Now),” and “Teen Spirit.” Before announcing the winner, one of the Boyz wants to plug the Christmas album they made with Wilson Phillips. Nirvana wins and they actually come up to the stage this time. Kurt thanks his family, the record label and their “true fans.”

Kurt Cobain smiles adorably as he differentiates between their "true" fans and all the other bullshit people like someone we went to high school with who shall remain nameless.

He pauses and Krist leans over and says “You can’t believe everything you see and hear, now can you?” Kurt paraphrases this and grins. He was so cute. (For context, around this time an article had come out falsely claiming that Courtney Love knowingly shot smack while she was pregnant.) Krist chimes in, “Remember Joseph Goebbels,” and they head offstage.

Dana Carvey makes a joke I don’t get about Star Trek: the Next Generation as he introduces Annie Lennox and Peter Gabriel. They’re presenting Best Group Video. The nominees: En Vogue’s “My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It)”, “Under the Bridge” by the Chili Peppers, U2’s “Even Better Than the Real Thing,” and *gritted teeth* Van Halen. None of those videos are especially good. U2 wins and we go live to backstage at the Silverdome, where Bono is wearing an outfit that I would love on someone cool.

Bono is very resplendent in whatever kind of outfit he is wearing.

Bono says some crap about having just come off stage and they’re in their “Vote Baby” dressing room. He says he can’t wait to hear Peter Gabriel’s new album. Peter says he’s seen the current U2 tour four times. Why? It looked stupid and pretentious. (As opposed to stupid and contagious, I guess.)

Bono: “You’re a mad bastard, Peter Gabriel.”

Denis Leary is back to rant some more. He lists members of GN’R, then says if Steven Adler ever leaves, the band is finished. This, of course, is after Steven had already been fired. He moves on to ramble about the Stones. He encourages the audience to harass Mick Jagger about Bill Wyman.

Charles Barkley and Godzilla for Nike – retro commercial break

Dana Carvey introduces Mick Jagger. Mick waits for the cheers to die down, then thanks Woody Allen and Mia Farrow “for making our rock n’ roll marriages look so successful.” 😂😂 He’s here to present the Video of the Year Award. The nominees are the same as for the Viewer’s Choice Award. OMG, Van Halen won. OMG. That video sucked big sweaty monkey balls. Sammy Hagar is honored to shake Mick’s hand. He says the song is “about the appreciation of reality.” But reality bites, dude. Alex Van Halen thanks some people and Eddie Van Halen can’t think of anyone else to thank. Michael Anthony thanks Van Halen fans.

Axl and Elton both playing piano.

Dana Carvey says “it’s time for the biggest production in the history of the Video Music Awards.” It’s Guns N’ Roses. Two pianos rise up out of the stage, with Axl and Elton seated at them.

They’re playing “November Rain,” which is a long song for an awards show. Slash has climbed atop the pianos.

Aw, it’s over. I could listen to Axl forever. I just wanna crawl inside his voice and live there.

And that’s the end. Dana Carvey says goodnight and “UCLA rocks.”

There’s more, though. As the credits roll, we see backstage footage. Bobby Brown says it’s 19-naughty-2. Flea dances with his daughter. Annie Lennox wears a large hat. Dana Carvey as Garth talks to Pauly Shore. Dana Carvey and David Spade are at a table read or something. Andrew Dice Clay tells Pinhead “I’ll grab ‘em and you headbutt ‘em.” Eric Clapton mumbles something. Dice suggests that he and Pinhead give up and go somewhere that sounds like “the Pond.”

Garth and Pauly Shore again. Various bands at soundcheck. Garth has become frightened of Pauly Shore. Dana Carvey says he met Michael Jackson in 1975 when he was a busboy. He gave Michael plates of carrots. “He was called The Rabbit.” One of the En Vogue chicks can’t get her boot on. Phil Collen of Def Leppard shows off his cool Bela Lugosi guitar.  Garth and Pauly Shore slap fight. Now it’s over.

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